NLP, or Neuro-Lingustic Programming, is such a wide field of study that it can be hard to put a simple definition to. NLP is a way of thinking about ideas and people that allows you to excel in any field. Essentially the idea is that we can study people who are getting great results and reduce their behaviours down to a model, or...
Was re-reading one of my fav NLP books called ‘Sleight of Mouth’ and saw this piece. It sums up how easily and subtly a few language changes can totally change your communication.
While there are many paths up the mountain, they all lead to the same peak.
In many ways our lives can be compared to us climbing our own personal mountains. The mountain we created for ourselves when we set goals or created expectations. And with each action (or lack of action) we are either traveling closer towards our peak or away from it. Every time you chose to sleep in, skip a workout or chose to neglect a friend you’re moving away from your goals.
Mountain climbing takes discipline and a clear idea of where you’re going. The more prepared you are the easier it is going to be. Above all though you require a strong DESIRE and sense of WHY if you are going to become successful. The most powerful action you can take right now is to reflect on what your WHY is and to consider whether your desire is where it needs to be.
Find your WHY, focus on your target and climb that mountain!
Building on the previous post about Sensory Acuity I wanted to share what I’ve found when trying to tell if people are lying. There is a lot of time given in some NLP books to the meaning of eye movements. For example, if the eyes move to the left (As you look at the person) they are more likely to be constructing a new thought, while if they look to the right they are more likely to be recalling a prior thought. There is a bit of a myth out there that if people look up and to the left then they are lying, but there are much simpler ways to tell if someone is lying. This is what I’ve found useful:
The movement of peoples eyes is normally entirely unconscious. The eyes can provide a lot of insight into what is going on for someone if you have enough sensory acuity. Most emotions will be reflected through changes in the eyes, especially crying – the tears are the giveaway 
When trying to tell if someone is lying it is true that for most (NOT all) people they will move their eyes upwards and to the left (As you look at them) when they are creating a new image in their mind. For reverse organised people it is likely to be upwards and to the right. When their eye movements become useful is when you calibrate to how their eyes move. For example, if you’ve been talking about the colour of their car, pre-existing information in their mind, and their eyes have reliably been moving in one direction then that is a fair indication that when it moves the other way it is a new creation in their mind.
There will be times when people are telling the truth though and their eyes move to create images. An example of this is if I asked you whether you’d sky dived from a plane and landed on a bright orange bouncy castle – the answer could be truthly spoken as NO but the eye movements would suggest you are creating an image. You would be creating an image, but in this situation you’d also be telling the truth.
For some reason most people seem to think that we maintain eye contact when we speak the truth and look away when we lie. The reverse is actually true. It is much more likely that someone trying to tell you a lie will maintain eye contact so that it doesn’t look like they are lying! They also don’t need to retrieve any information from their mind so their need to move their eyes is also reduced.
The classic indicators that someone is telling a fib including when somebody brings a hand to their face. Classic examples to watch out for include chin stroking, nose touching or resting their hand against their lips. The movements will often unconsciously focus around the mouth as if the liar wants to cover up their mouth as they tell the untruth.
This varies incredibly from person to person though most people have a ‘tell’ that shows when they are lying. It could be a subtle movement in their face, a movement in their shoulders or they could break a light sweat. Whatever it is, if you have developed good enough Sensory Acuity you will be able to spot it with enough practice. This is especially useful for the Poker players amongst us as you’ll know when your opponents are bluffing!
Now that you’ve got the basics of the theory explained you can give this a go with your open minded friends. There is a really fun game that you can play with a group of people. You take it in turns and each person has to tell five statements about themselves, four of them are true and one is a lie. The person wins if nobody in the group is able to guess which is their lie. If you’ve developed your Sensory Acuity and grasped the basics from this post then you’ll have them figured out in no time!
I don’t want you to read this article. I don’t want you to learn anything and, whatever you do, please DON’T press that button… the red one… don’t press it… okay? Oh… you’re reading this article? Darn – I thought I told you not to do that already? 
Negative suggestion is a technique where a suggestion not to do something results in increasing the likelihood that the person will actually do it. You may have seen parents telling their children ‘Don’t run by the pool’ and then watched the children, appearing completely oblivious to their parents, start running by the pool. You’re probably wondering why people don’t do what they are told, maybe it is a curiosity or a resistance towards authority – or could it be something else?
Negative Suggestion doesn’t make much sense until you get into the mechanics of how the brain processes the words that you read/hear. It turns out that your mind processes sentences in a certain way. If I tell you, “Don’t think of a brown dog” you must think of a brown dog in order for your mind to process what it means to not think of a brown dog. If I tell you, “Don’t go near the road” you need to think of the road for the statement to be computed. The negative component of the sentence isn’t processed until later. And because you are picturing it in your mind your mind will try and move you towards it.
Are you unfamiliar with that concept of moving towards the things you picture in your mind? Try picturing a plate of your favourite food. Chocolate cake, fresh fruit, ice cream, hot chips – whatever. And really focus on that picture… focus harder… that’s right. Now, think about it, are you feeling hungrier for that food all of a sudden? If you are (and most people will be) that is the power a simple image can have in your mind!
You can generally spot a Negative Suggestion if the sentence contains words like:
not, don’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t, won’t, can’t, haven’t… etc.
This raises serious questions about many messages in our community. The number of safety signs phrased negatively is astonishingly. My least favourite is the message they use for drink driving. The slogan they use in Western Australia is: Don’t drink and drive
But what do you think about? That’s right – drinking and driving! Honestly, stop a moment and think about the picture when you read:
Don’t drink and drive.
Now, clear the pictures from your mind, and think about the picture you have when you read:
Drive safe, drive sober.
Quite different pictures and when repeated (Suggestions are more effective when repeated) to the extent that the Don’t Drink and Drive message is we could possibly see quite different results in our community.
As with everything I’ll be sharing on this blog there are ways to use your new knowledge to your advantage. And with this particular tip there are two ways to really use it to your advantage, a good way and a not so good way (Haha did you see what I did there? ).
Now that you know this is how the mind processes language you can use it to speak so that people create internal images that are congruent with what you want them to do. So “Don’t go on the road” becomes “Stay in the front yard”. Or “Don’t forget to buy some milk” could become “Remember to buy some milk”. By rephrasing what you say you will get much better results, especially in high pressure situations when people are reacting to your words without the chance to properly think them through.
This is slightly more advanced but can be a lot of fun. You can make use of negative suggestion to suggest things that the person may be resistant to otherwise. When combined with Milton Model style language it can make you very persuasive. A sales style example could be “I don’t want you to buy this product today unless you are completely happy it meets your needs” – at a conscious level the sentence makes sense BUT the negative suggestion means the person will be picturing buying the product today. Another example with a bit of Milton Model is “I don’t want know if you want to go out for lunch today but if you did want to go out for lunch today where could we go?”. Believe it or not the negative suggestion at the front of that question will make the person much more compliant as it won’t feel like you’re telling them what to do. The possibilities are endless!
There is a great video by Derren Brown on YouTube that shows it in action:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fIuMBDLOAQ
The video shows the Negative Suggestion in action with children following instructions and also with adults through the use of a written sign. Well worth the time to watch.
The more awareness you have over your language, especially your use of negative suggestions, the more powerful you will become as a communicator. Over the next few days I encourage you to watch out for Negative Suggestions in your speech and the speech of others. As your awareness of it rises maybe you could even start using them yourself and enjoy the results…
In the Jim Collins book ‘Good to Great‘ a study is done of over 1,400 businesses and what differentiates the good from the great. A key finding came down to the importance of the team, or as Jim put it, the people on your bus. It is no secret that surrounding yourself with great people will improve your results.
But what was is interesting is that the good companies would find their purpose and then build a team. While the great companies would build their team and then find their purpose.
To summarise, what Jim said is that you need to get the right people on your bus (And the wrong people off). Then once the people are right you need to get them into the right seats and then, only then, work out where the bus is going!
If you are struggling to find your purpose in your life or business right now, why not work on your team? When you have a strong team of people supporting you not only will your purpose be clearer, it will also be much closer to being quickly within your reach!
First who, then what.
It is, by any measure, a thoroughly rotten experiment. Here is this beautiful German shepherd, lying in one corner of a metal box, whimpering. He is receiving painful electric shocks, stimuli that should leave him howling in pain. Oddly enough, the dog could easily get out. The other side of the box is perfectly insulated from shocks, and only a low barrier separates the two sides. Though the dog could jump over to safety when the whim strikes him, the whim doesn’t strike him. Ever. He just lies down in the corner of the electric side, whimpering with each jarring jolt. He must be physically removed by the experimenter to be relived of the experience.
What happened to that dog?
A few days before entering the box, the animal was strapped to a restraining harness rigged with electric wires, inescapably receiving the same painful shock day and night. And at first he didn’t just stand there taking it, he reacted. He howled in pain. He urinated. He strained mightily against his harness in an increasingly desperate attempt to link some behaviour of his with the cessation of the pain. But it was no use. As the hours and even days ticked by, his resistance eventually subsided. Why? The dog began to receive a very clear message: There was no way out. Even after the dog had been released from the harness and placed into the metal box with escape route, he could no longer understand his options. Indeed, most learning had been shut down, and that’s probably the worst part of all.
Source: Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home and School, 2008, J. Medina
Learned Helplessness is a term coined by Martin Seligman to describe both the perception of inesapability and its associated cognitive collapse. Or, in simple terms, how when you perceive you can’t escape you lose the ability to behave as if you have options – or learnt helplessness. These experiments were started in the late 1960’s and the results are similar with most animals, including humans.
Earlier I came upon this excellent modern day experiment on YouTube. It was conducted live on a class room of students and the results are discussed with them. Quite remarkable and well worth the time to watch:
What areas of your life could you have learnt to be helpless? Is it possible that you have limiting beliefs that are holding you back from exercising options? Or have you made limiting decisions because you felt you couldn’t do anything else? Now that you’ve read this post it could be a good time to do a bit of navel gazing and consider areas of your life where you’ve been limiting you behaviour. When would now be a good time to start re-exploring your options?
The Milton Model was created by Bandler & Grinder, the founders of NLP, following their study and modeling of Milton Erickson. The Milton Model is a linguistic model, or way of talking, that allows you to more easily induce trance in the people you are talking to. The Milton Model is ideal for us in Hypnosis, especially when you are inducing or deepening trance, although it is also very powerful in business discussions and advertising. When you effectively talk using the Milton Model you will find that people begin to glaze over and begin to hang on each and every word.
You’re probably wondering what the Milton Model is and why you’re going to start using it soon. Because, even though right now you’re not sure how important it is, there have been times before when you’ve been not sure, and good things have happened, haven’t they? And the fact that you’re reading these words and thinking about the Milton Model means that you could learn the Milton Model easily and effortlessly, couldn’t you?
Try reading that short paragraph out loud. Notice how, if you speak it slowly and steadily, you gently relax and maybe go slightly into trance. And you’ll probably notice how it is written just like a lot of things you may have read before – that is because hypnotic language is used unconsciously by many of the most powerful communicators including speakers like Martin Luther King Jr.
That paragraph makes use of mind reads (Where you really wondering what the Milton Model is and why you’re going to start using it soon?), lost performative’s (The Milton Model is important according to who?), cause & effect (How does you wondering that mean that you’re not sure how important it is?), presupposition (It is assumed that you’ll start using it soon…), tag questions (haven’t they? couldn’t you?) and a couple of others too just for fun. This will all make more sense as I write more part’s about the Milton Model.
So, how do you go from what you know now, to knowing and being able to use the Milton Model effortlessly? The short answer is that you need to:
Here are the first few patterns for you:
A mind read is a really handy pattern where you claim to know the thoughts or feelings of someone without having any way of coming to know that information. By claiming to know what they are thinking in the right way they will begin to think about it and because they begin to think about it as you say it they think that they were already thinking about it – crazy, right? So how does it look?
You’re probably wondering…
You start the sentence like that and then finish with whatever you want. For example, you’re probably wondering what sort of examples I’m going to use.
You’re probably wondering what you’re going to have for dinner.
You’re probably wondering how much eggs cost in China.
And, even though you weren’t wondering any of those things, you may notice how good it feels to start wondering about them now, didn’t it 
A lost performative is what we provide a value judgement without telling the listener who made that value judgement. It works so well because relative words are really easy to agree with. So how does it look?
Basically any words that are value judgements such as: good, bad, better, worse, slow, fast etc.
You can throw these into sentences to lead the listener in the direction you want their thoughts to go. For example, it is good to wonder about the Milton Model.
It is great to go to the beach.
That car is quite slow.
So those statements all make sense by themselves… but if you start thinking about it now, sure, the car could be quite slow – but slow compared to what? It isn’t slow compared to walking, or slow compared to riding a horse or slow compared to riding a bike but it could be slow compared to a Ferrari or a jet plane or a motorbike. Because the sentence makes sense by iteself the listener is likely to accept the though, such as the car is quite slow, and if they accept that thought then they’ll be more likely to base their thinking on it further into the conversation.
Cause & Effect is the name we use when we say imply that one thing causes another. The human mind LOVES reasons and this is a great way to provide reasons, even if the reasons wouldn’t hold up to rigorous investigation. The way to spot Cause & Effect style patterns is to watch for these three linguistic patterns:
Reading this article makes it easier to learn the Milton Model.
If you go to the shops today then you’ll be happier.
As you find yourself going into trance you could notice how relaxed your arms feel.
Because you’re alive you are ready to learn.
These statements are an elegant way of leading someone slowly towards a favourable outcome. You can take things that are known to be true (the cause), or implied to be true, and then that positive feeling carries through to what you are implying (the effect). Going to the shops won’t necessarily make anyone happier – but if you’ve made that suggestion then that is what they will expect and that becomes a more likely outcome!
Complex Equivalence is a way of suggesting that two things mean the same thing, when they don’t necessarily. That means that you can get people to agree with two things when initially they would have only agreed with the first. What you want to watch out for is these two words:
…that means…
Just re-read the previous paragraph – did you see what I did there? Here are some more examples for you:
Owning a car means that you’re not as fit as you could be.
When someone goes out to a night club that means they want to get drunk.
Reading this post means that you are learning more about the Milton Model.
This linguistic pattern is very useful when you want to make someone aware of something that they previously weren’t aware of. Think of how motivating it could be for a boy learning football to hear his coach say “Jimmy, you coming to all the training sessions means that you’re getting better at football and that means that you won’t be on the bench at the game this weekend” – that’s really just two complex equivalence’s strung together… This pattern is commonly mis-used by politicians and parents (Such as the night club example) to over-generalise about the actual situation.
A presupposition is a fancy word for a linguistic assumption. By creating assumptions in your language you can have people begin to think that something is true without ever having the chance to question it. There aren’t clear words or ways of structuring presuppositions and they are present in all of our language. It is probably best to share some examples:
Are you still thinking of buying a new car? (Presupposes you were previously thinking about buying a new car)
Have you used the Milton Model yet? (Presupposes you have used it already OR will use it in the future)
You have learnt from your past mistakes. (Presupposes past mistakes)
Your dancing is getting better. (Presupposes that their dancing was worse – notice the lost performative?)
Presuppositions are hugely useful when talking to people as they save a great deal of time. The art to using presuppositions is to lead people into presupposing things that will support them doing what you want them to do. If you were selling a car you could presuppose that the buyer cares about the safety of their passengers (Something a car buyer is unlikely to disgaree with) in order to sell them a much more expensive, but safer, car. This could be neatly wrapper in a simple statement like, “Sure, you could buy a small car but our customers who feel the safety of their passengers is important normally only consider medium to large cars”.
Over the next few weeks I’m going to slowly start posting the remaining 14 patterns of the Milton Model (There are 19 in total). With each pattern I’ll continue to post a short example of how to use it in everyday language. The key to you going from where you are now, to a point where you can use this model unconsciously, is to pick one pattern for the day (or week) and just practice, practice, practice!
Each and every person that you speak to will have their own map of the world. What this means is that they will have their own values, their own ideas about what is right/wrong and their own likes and dislikes. And what this also means is that when you begin to hear what they are saying you are likely to be hearing the words that they say, but applying your own personal values, ideas about what is right/wrong and your own likes and dislikes. All to often I used to find myself listening to someone with the intense urge to jump in and tell them the solution to their problems. To let them know what I think they should be doing and how they should be doing it. But what I found is that this was a fast track to losing friends and infuriating people.
One of the key presuppositions of NLP is to have respect for the other person’s model of the world. And what I began to realise is that by jumping in and trying to ‘help’ people, without fully understanding their situation, I wasn’t getting the results I wanted. As I read the various books that are scattered around my house I stumbled upon a statement that really resonated with me:
Seek to understand FIRST, then seek to be understood
What I’ve found is that you never really understand another person, or what it is like for them. When people start to talk to me, instead of wanting to jump in with a solution, I find myself asking ‘What would I need to believe or think for that to be a problem?’. And slowly but surely I begin to listen to them as if what they are saying is 100% the truth for me. And I think to myself – if I believed all of this was true, how would I be feeling right now?
What I’ve found is that the more I do this, the more sincerely I can connect with people. The more I can appreciate what is going on for them. And from that new position of appreciation I can then provide suggestions. You’ll never guess what – they normally take them! Because when you take the time to fully listen to what someone is saying, and fully try to get a grasp of their world, you’ll be in such a powerful position to talk to them – because you can keep all of what you say within the context of their world, their limitations and their values.
This has obvious benefits in therapy. In my experience just fully listening to someone, and getting them to properly express their model of the world, can lead to significant shifts for them. It also has huge benefits in the business world, particularly in Sales. Overcoming objections, when you fully understand people’s needs, is a walk in the park. Suggesting the right product, when you’ve got an insight into their desires, is so much easier for you to do.
I encourage you, give it a shot. Focus on people you normally struggle with, partners, parents, children or colleagues, and truly do your BEST to understand where they’re coming from. And only when you feel like you can appreciate their position start to share your point of view. Enjoy the results!
Seek to understand FIRST, then seek to be understood
Further Reading:
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Dr Stephen Covey (Habit #5)
I’m constantly asked ‘How do you fit everything in???’. I don’t do anything special but when I tell people about my week, the time I spend at work, the time I spend with friends, the time I spend training and the time I spend sailing people often seem to wonder how I still manage to find time to sleep… We are all given 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, yet the results people squeeze from their time can radically differ. You can use this tip to fit anything you’d like into your life, more time with family, more time at work or even more time at the pub!
You see, how we spend our time is dictated by the values that we hold. If you most highly value your family it is natural that every spare moment will unconsciously be spent in ways that benefit your family. While if you most highly value your fitness you’ll find yourself making it to the gym but at the expense of spending time in other areas of your life.
The feeling of discomfort and of ‘not having enough time’ will invariably stem from not spending your time in alignment with your true values. The bottom line is that your schedule is the best barometer for what you truly value and believe to be important.
Keep a log of your time for a week and see if
you’re really doing what is important to you…
In March I was sent by Red Cross to Queensland to assist with the floods. This was my first time being activated interstate and it was into a new role, as Field Debriefing Officer. While in Queensland I was flown in and out of flood affect towns, sat for hours in airports both briefing and debriefing teams of volunteers and in between I spent as much time as I could on the phone debriefing volunteers who had returned home. This was the first time this role had been used and it meant that we could actively make improvements DURING the activation to make things easier for volunteers.
This role was incredibly rewarding. On one hand there was the visible destruction left by the floods, the destroyed homes and the emotional citizens. On the other hand there were the heart warming volunteers stories about the people they had helped, the amazing strength shown by the people affected and that warm fuzzy feeling of being part of something like the Red Cross in a situation like that. The days were long, sometimes needing to be at the airport before sunrise, and the mosquitos were vicious but the experience was overall very humbling – I wasn’t expecting such an emotional rollercoaster.
If offered the opportunity to assist again with the Red Cross I will be saying a loud YES. It blew me away just how well everything operated, and being part of such a strong team has left me with an experience I’ll remember for a very long time.
