Communication is such a key part of our day to day lives. If you are regularly in contact with other people and you care about what the other people do (or do not do) then improving your communication skills is of vital importance. Yet, communication skills are rarely taught, let alone refreshed. So the next few motivators are going to specifically look at ways to quickly and easily improve your communication skills.

In Western Society it isn’t uncommon to find people who approach communication like they have 50% of the responsibility. Who has the other 50% of the responsibility? Probably the person they are communicating with. The secret to successful communication is believing that you have 100% responsibility for the communication.

If you’re talking, that means your communication is ONLY successful if the other person fully understands what you’re saying. If you’re listening, that means your communication is ONLY successful if you’ve fully understood what the other person is saying.

Take 100% responsibility for your communication

In his book, Good to Great, Jim Collins talks about companies that have gone from being good companies to being great companies. He identifies a list of factors that contribute to the changes, and one of the factors was what great leaders do when they are faced with things going right or wrong.

What Jim establishes is that when things go wrong for bad leaders they are likely to ‘look out the window’ to attribute blame to their employees and those around them. While when things go well for bad leaders they ‘look in the mirror’ and attribute the success to their own hard work.

In contrast, the great leaders are likely to ‘look out the window’ when things go right, and attribute their success to the hard work of members of their team. While when things go badly they ‘look in the mirror’ and consider what they personally could have done differently to have created better results.

Are you ready to go from good results to great results? Maybe it is time to start changing how you look at your failures and your successes. Looking at them in a way that allows you to learn from your mistakes will produce the best results in the long run.

When things go wrong, look in the mirror and get the learning!

Hypnotic Suggestibility Tests are commonly used in Hypnotic Stage Shows or Street Hypnosis as a way of finding out just how likely other people are to follow your suggestions. It is literally a series of commands and instructions that have a clearly visible display in the other person. By running through these tests with a group of people, as they do in Hypnotic Stage Shows, you will be able to quickly see who the most suggestible people are in the room. It is rare that these tests would be used in a Therapy session, although they may be useful if

As with any hypnosis, suggestibility tests themselves will normally work much better when they are pre-framed by the Hypnotist. Giving a strong reason for doing the suggestibility test before you start will normally lead to better results. An example of a pre-frame script if you were trying this with friends could be:

Hey, my friend was telling me about this thing where at some level everyone responds to suggestions from the people around them. He told me about this suggestibility test thing where basically you close your eyes and I ask you to use your imagination and it gives an insight into how suggestible you are, or you aren’t. Would you like to give it a go?

If they say yes at this point then continue. Otherwise find yourself a more adventurous friend to try this with. Once you have their permission then you would go straight into one of the tests below.

The Finger Vice

This is one of my favorite suggestibility tests. You can tell how suggestible they are by how quickly their fingers move together. As you run through the script it is a good idea to demonstrate the movements you want from them by doing it yourself.

The script you would use would go something like this:

Please take both your hands and interlace them together firmly like a fist. Now keep your hands in the fist, but have your index fingers outstretched. Keep your fists tightly together and your index fingers about an inch apart. Now what I want you to do is imagine a vice squeezing your index fingers. Imagine a vice pushing in on your index fingers and pushing your fingers together now (And at this point I would be making squeaky noises like I am doing up a vice). Tighter and tighter, really feel the pressure of the vice bringing your fingers together. That’s right.

And that is it! Some people who are really suggestible will have their fingers pressed firmly together from the start. Other people may not have moved their fingers at all. How far they have moved their fingers is your indication of how suggestible they are (The more the better).

The Dictionary/Balloon

This is a common suggestibility test that provides really obvious visual feedback and is good if you are working with a bigger group. You can tell how suggestible they are by noticing how far apart their arms are when you are finished. As with the previous test, if you demonstrate the arms as you do it then they will find it easier to do the right thing.

The script goes something like this:

When you are ready, hold both arms straight out in front of you. Now turn your right hand so it is palm facing down, and your left hand so it is palm facing up. Now close your eyes and imagine as brightly and as clearly as you can a big bright balloon tied by a string to your right wrist. The balloon is pulling your wrist up, higher and higher it is pulling your wrist up. But wait, imagine in your left hand a heavy, heavy, big, fat dictionary. And as you vividly imagine the big heavy dictionary in your left hand feel how heavy and tiresome it is to hold. But the balloon, the balloon on your right wrist is feeling lighter and lighter, pulling your wrist higher and higher… while the dictionary is getting heavier and heavier. And when you’re ready, without moving your arms, open your eyes.

Once again, that is it! Their arms will show who is more suggestible, and those who are less open to your suggestions.

See it in Action

This is an amateur video I found on YouTube of someone doing a basic suggestibility test in their back yard. It is worth watching as it gives you an idea of how easily and quickly this can be done:

What’s next?

You know all you need to know! Go and give it a go with your friends and enjoy the results.

Setting goals is really important. And if you’ve followed my recent messages you’ll be fully up to speed on some of the finer aspects of setting goals. But your goals are only as good as the strategies you put in place to achieve them.

It may be a goal for you to be in shape for summer this year. And maybe you’ve got a really clear idea of what that would be like and you’re sure that you’re prepared to give it whatever it takes until you’ve made it. But what specifically are you going to do between now and having yourself in shape? What is your strategy?

Once you’ve set a goal it is really beneficial to work out, step-by-step, exactly what you need to do to reach your goal. The more specific you are, the easier it will be to follow your strategy. In writing down your strategy it will not only encourage you to fully think through each step, but it also allows you to easily obtain objective opinions on your strategy. Trying to get into shape? A quick session with a Personal Trainer or Nutritionist reviewing your strategy could knock weeks off the time it takes to get there!

Strategy is king – strategise well and you can make things much easier for yourself.

Your goals are only as good as your strategy to achieve them!

The Meta Model is a very important tool for recovering information about a person’s map of the world. The Meta Model relates to the way that our minds filter information and subsequently how it generalises, distorts and deletes information that doesn’t fit with our beliefs, expectations, values and previous experiences. What Richard Bandler and John Grinder found when modelling Virginia Satir is that when people are generalising, distorting or deleting information they will often have a problem or problems. By asking a question that forces them to recover their generalisation, distortion or deletion often problems can just disappear!

It is important to note that none of the Meta Model responses use the question ‘why’. It is very rare in Neuro-Linguistic Programming to hear anybody use ‘why’ as that question will take people into the content and story behind the problem. While traditional therapy likes to dwell in this area, NLP normally steers well clear of it. A good rule of thumb when using the Meta Model is to ask questions that begin with ‘how’, ‘what’, ‘when’ and ‘who’. These questions will put the focus onto the structure of the problem, and by discovering the structure of the problem it is much easier to allow the problem to dissolve.

What follows is a list of language patterns, responses and predictions. Normally you will use the Meta Model by listening to another person. When you hear them using any of the patterns you can respond with the appropriate response. The prediction is what you can expect to be the result of asking that question.

Distortions

Mind Reading

Pattern: Mind Reading is when someone claims to know what is going on within someone else’s head, without having any way of knowing that information. Common examples of this would be statements such as “He hates me” or in a business environment if someone hadn’t let you tell them about your product and they said “It won’t be any good for me”.

Response: The response is to ask a question that recovers how they know that information. So the response to the two above examples could be: “How do you know he hates you?” and “How do you know it won’t be any good for you?

Prediction: The normal result of your question is that the person will pause, think about it for a moment, and tell you what makes them think that. It is not uncommon for them to have an answer that requires another Meta Model response, but you will be one step closer to unravelling their Distortions that allow them to have their problem.

Lost Performative

Pattern: A Lost Performative is where a value judgement is made, but the person who made the judgement is left out. Common examples of this would be statements such as “It is good to go to the gym” or “It is bad to drive slowly”.

Response: The response to a Lost Performative is to ask a question that gathers additional information about the source of the judgement. So the response to the two above examples could be: “Who says it is good to go to the gym?” and for the second one, “How do you know it is bad to drive slowly?”. There is lots of flexibility in the potential responses, it would be just as valid to ask “How do you know it is good to go to the gym?” and “Who says it is bad to drive slowly?”. A more generic question that works well with most Lost Performatives is “According to whom?”.

Prediction: The normal result of your question is that the person will pause, think about it for a moment, and tell you the source of the belief behind what they said. It is not uncommon for them to have an answer that requires another Meta Model response, but you will be one step closer to unravelling their Distortions that allow them to have their problem.

Cause and Effect

Pattern: Cause and Effect is where the reason behind something is wrongly equated to being something else. This is often used by people who want to put the reason for their actions onto someone or something else, instead of taking personal responsibility. Common examples this would be statements such as “She made me do it” or “He doesn’t know anything because he doesn’t work here”.

Response: The response to a Cause and Effect style statement is to ask a question that recovers the true reason, or choice, behind their thinking. So the response to the two examples could be: “How does what she did mean that you had to do it?” and for the second one, “How does not working here mean that he doesn’t know anything?”. Your response to a Cause and Effect style statement will normally begin with How.

Prediction: The normal result of your question is that the person will pause, think about it for a moment, and tell you the reason or choice behind what they said. It is not uncommon for them to have an answer that requires another Meta Model response, but you will be one step closer to unravelling their Distortions that allow them to have their problem.

Complex Equivalence

Pattern: Complex Equivalence is where two experiences are interpreted as being the same, when they probably aren’t. Common examples of this would be statements such as “He never hugs me, he doesn’t love me” or “He didn’t ask me any questions after the sales presentation, he is going to buy from a competitor”.

Response: The response to Complex Equivalence is to ask a question that provides a counter example and presupposes it is possible that the two experiences are not the same. So the response to the two examples could be: “Are there people or things that you love but you don’t hug?” and for the second one, “Have you ever bought from someone you didn’t ask questions of?”. The success of the response will rely, to a certain extent, on the questions having the other person reassessing whether their Complex Equivalence is true. If they have never bought from someone without asking questions then that question would be likely to reinforce their negative thinking around the chances of him not buying from a competitor.

Prediction: The normal result of your question is that the person will pause, think about it for a moment, and open up to the possibility that maybe that isn’t how it is. It is not uncommon for them to have an answer that requires another Meta Model response, but you will be one step closer to unravelling their Distortions that allow them to have their problem.

Presuppositions

Pattern: Presuppositions are present in all of our language to a certain extent. A presupposition is essentially a linguistic assumption, something you need to assume is true for a sentence to make sense. An example of a statement with presuppositions is “If my boss knew how hard I worked he would give me a pay rise.” This statement has many presuppositions: (1) The person has a boss (2) The boss is male (3) The person is currently paid something (4) It is possible for the person to be given a pay rise (5) The person works hard (6) The boss doesn’t know how hard the person works.

Response: Given that a simple sentence like that has so many presuppositions it is possible to challenge any of the presuppositions with a question to create a shift in their thinking. While challenging presuppositions that are likely to be true, like #1, #2 and #3, is possible – it is unlikely to result in any major shift in thinking. For the maximum result you are best questioning presuppositions that are less likely to be true, like #4, #5 and #6. The response to those could be: (4) “How do you know the boss wouldn’t have already given you a pay rise if he could?” (5) “How do you know that how hard you work is enough for your boss?” (6) “How do you know that he doesn’t know?”.

Prediction: The normal result of your question is that the person will pause, think about it for a moment, and open up to the possibility that maybe that isn’t how it is. It is not uncommon for them to have an answer that requires another Meta Model response, but you will be one step closer to unravelling their Distortions that allow them to have their problem.

What’s next?

Keep posted for Part 2 and Part 3 in the Meta Model series for Generalisations and Deleteions.

Following on from last Friday’s message, it is really important to consider what you are aiming for and everything that comes with that goal. Because when you decide on a goal it could mean doing things that are different from what you really want.

Could you imagine someone deciding they want to be wealthy? And maybe setting a goal to have a certain $ value of assets by a certain date? This, on the surface, could be an excellent goal. But what will this person need to do differently to achieve it? Will it mean spending less time with their family? Will it mean higher levels of stress and long hours in the office?

Or someone that wants to be fitter? That could mean big exercise sessions, diet changes and much less chocolate than that person probably feels like!

Because, the chances are that with every goal you set there will be less enjoyable things you need to do between now and then in order to obtain it. For if they were more enjoyable the chances are that you would already be doing them. Make sure that you carefully consider a goal before embarking on it, and more specifically everything that will come with that goal. Make sure that on balance it is definitely what you want and you will be setting yourself up for a smoother journey!

You get there fastest when you know where you are going!

You may have heard this saying before… If you don’t know where you are going then you won’t get there very quickly.

One of the strongest themes in personal development is that you need to be clear on where you are going if you want to get there. In the now famous words of Dr Stephen Covey, “Begin with the end in mind”! Having a clear idea of what you want, and what it will be like when you have it, are going to significantly increase your chances of reaching your dreams.

So stop and think about it right now. What are you aiming towards? How would you like your life to be different 3 months from now? Where would you like to be? And when you have a clear idea of where you want to be – you’re half way there!

You get there fastest when you know where you are going!

I’m very excited to share that the book I have been working on is well on its way to being ready. Right now it is over two thirds of the way there, but it is yet to edited so who knows how long that process could take! Please excuse the lack of updates over the last week or so. In between focusing on the book I have also been traveling and I am now in the not-so-sunny UK for the next few months. Updates on the blog will be back to normal before to long.

If you were to think about flying a plane from London to Perth you could probably work a successful route out that would get you there in the shortest amount of time. Maybe you would stop in Dubai, or maybe Singapore, but in the end the plane would get from A to B. But what if you weren’t really in London? What if you believed you were in London, but you were actually in New York? The London to Perth route isn’t going to be very successful at all if you’re actually leaving from New York!

This may sound like a weird situation, but it happens all too often in peoples lives. They can have a clear idea of where they want to be, and what it will be like to get there. They can devise an excellent strategy and everything they could do to get those results. But they miscalculate their starting point and as a result they end up with something completely different to what they were aiming for!

As important as it is to set goals, it is even more important to know where you’re starting from. A clear idea of where you are now will allow you to get what you want!

Awareness of your current location allows you to chose the best direction.

Have you ever stopped to think about the problems in your life? And have you maybe realised that there have been very few problem-free times in your life? The thing is, pretty much everyone has problems of some sort, but people have problems at different levels.

There was possibly a time when you learnt to drive? And when you learn to drive it can take a lot of concentration to do it well. Even a simple distraction like someone talking too you while you drive through a tricky intersection can be enough to put you into a sticky situation. But as you became more competent at driving it is likely that this isn’t a problem anymore – maybe you’re even one of those people who can have the radio on, be talking to a passenger and in the back of your mind be working out what’s for dinner?

So the thing is, as you become more successful at things you will find that what may have been problems in the past are no longer problems. So when you do have problems, they are higher quality problems. In the driving example there is a good chance that even the most experienced driver could find a high quality problem if they blew a tire at a high speed! Through these higher quality problems you will become even better at what you’re doing – so welcome them in, commit to finding out what there is to learn and let them become second nature for you in the future.

Enjoy the problems of today, for the solution may be second nature tomorrow!