When discussing a problem with clients it isn’t uncommon for me to hear about all the things that they ’should’ be doing. And normally the things that they ’should’ be doing aren’t the things that they are actually doing (Surprise, surprise). They should be exercising more, they should be saving more, they should be getting to bed earlier…

But if you think about it… there is actually very little that we ’should’ do.

Linguistically, ’should’ is a modal operator of necessity. If you ever hear terms like ’should’, ‘must’ or ‘have to’ in your speech, or that of your friends/family, you could legitimately ask, “According to who?”. Or, “What would happen if you didn’t?”. Because there is so little that we ’should’ be doing this word is often used to make us feel guilty or bad about what we’re not doing. Instead of feeling guilty maybe it is more constructive to consider to real reason why it is important… because maybe, just maybe, you’ll find that it isn’t quite as important as you at first thought.

If you are going to use the word ’should’, keep it to yourself. It is one thing to talk about what you should be doing without imposing your ’shoulds’ onto others.

Don’t should on people. Open up possibilities!

Contrary to popular belief the words that we use to communicate are a mere 7% of what we use to receive communication from another person. When deciding whether we like someone body language makes up 55% of the communication with voice tonality accounting for the remaining 38% of the communication. This is according to research that has been freely available since 1971 (Thanks to Albert Mehrabian).

What this means is that how you say it, is WAAAAAY more important that what you say. And how you stand/sit/move when you say it are even more important again. What is it saying that you’ve got your arms crossed? How does the gruff tone of voice change the meaning of what you just said? Are you coming across as congruent – or maybe your words don’t quite match the rest of your communication?

To become a true master of communication you must have control and flexibility over your body language and tone of voice.

Communication is more than the words we speak!

This video is a really interesting talk at TED in 2008 by Martin Seligman, an American Psychologist. It provides an interesting insight into how Psychology has evolved over the last several decades and discusses the change on focus from finding problems with people, and their past, towards finding ways to make the lives of people happier.

How could we tackle the topic of communication without delving into the art of listening? As an effective communicator you are going to spend a lot of your time simply listening, probably most of your time in fact! The joy of communicating is being understood. Through your listening ability you can share this joy with the people in your life.

As a listener you need to make sure that you properly understand what is communicated. As an active listener you can do this by asking questions, mirroring back what they say and using non-verbal cues to show understanding. Does what they’re saying make sense? Nod your head! Do you need clarification? Repeat back to them part of what they’ve said with a questioning tone and they’ll happily expand upon that point.

Remember: You are 100% responsible for the communication. Your role as a listener is just as important as that of the talker! Take the steps to actively listen and notice the difference in the results from your communication.

People like to be heard. Actively listening too them is a powerful act.

When dealing with communication it is common to focus on the way that you are communicating, what words you chose and possibly even your body language. This weeks motivator focuses on how even when you’re not actively communicating, you are still communicating.

As important as focusing on the way you communicate is to focus on the way you are communicating when you’re not actively interacting with others. This may take a little bit of thinking to get your head around, but what does it communicate when you don’t pickup the phone and it goes to voicemail? What does it communicate when you ignore someones email or text message? What does it communicate when you reply to an important message only after being reminded about it by them several times?

So if the meaning of the communication is the response that you get, what does your delayed or lack of interaction communicate? Think about it.

It is impossible to stop communicating.

Following on from last Friday this post focuses around ways to improve your communication skills. It is easy to believe that your communication comes down to the words that you use. But the truth is, communication isn’t what you say, it isn’t how you say it and it isn’t down to your body language either.

The meaning of your communication is the response that you get.

Pure and simple, communication is the response that you get from the other person. This means that when you talk to your partner, friends or colleagues you are going to get a response. And the response that you get is the meaning of your communication. It doesn’t matter what words you chose, if they are upset after you said them, then the meaning of your communication was to upset them (And that is how they’ll respond).

By focusing on how the person you’re communicating with responds you can’t help but become a more effective and successful communicator.

The meaning of your communication is the response that you get

Communication is such a key part of our day to day lives. If you are regularly in contact with other people and you care about what the other people do (or do not do) then improving your communication skills is of vital importance. Yet, communication skills are rarely taught, let alone refreshed. So the next few motivators are going to specifically look at ways to quickly and easily improve your communication skills.

In Western Society it isn’t uncommon to find people who approach communication like they have 50% of the responsibility. Who has the other 50% of the responsibility? Probably the person they are communicating with. The secret to successful communication is believing that you have 100% responsibility for the communication.

If you’re talking, that means your communication is ONLY successful if the other person fully understands what you’re saying. If you’re listening, that means your communication is ONLY successful if you’ve fully understood what the other person is saying.

Take 100% responsibility for your communication

In his book, Good to Great, Jim Collins talks about companies that have gone from being good companies to being great companies. He identifies a list of factors that contribute to the changes, and one of the factors was what great leaders do when they are faced with things going right or wrong.

What Jim establishes is that when things go wrong for bad leaders they are likely to ‘look out the window’ to attribute blame to their employees and those around them. While when things go well for bad leaders they ‘look in the mirror’ and attribute the success to their own hard work.

In contrast, the great leaders are likely to ‘look out the window’ when things go right, and attribute their success to the hard work of members of their team. While when things go badly they ‘look in the mirror’ and consider what they personally could have done differently to have created better results.

Are you ready to go from good results to great results? Maybe it is time to start changing how you look at your failures and your successes. Looking at them in a way that allows you to learn from your mistakes will produce the best results in the long run.

When things go wrong, look in the mirror and get the learning!

Setting goals is really important. And if you’ve followed my recent messages you’ll be fully up to speed on some of the finer aspects of setting goals. But your goals are only as good as the strategies you put in place to achieve them.

It may be a goal for you to be in shape for summer this year. And maybe you’ve got a really clear idea of what that would be like and you’re sure that you’re prepared to give it whatever it takes until you’ve made it. But what specifically are you going to do between now and having yourself in shape? What is your strategy?

Once you’ve set a goal it is really beneficial to work out, step-by-step, exactly what you need to do to reach your goal. The more specific you are, the easier it will be to follow your strategy. In writing down your strategy it will not only encourage you to fully think through each step, but it also allows you to easily obtain objective opinions on your strategy. Trying to get into shape? A quick session with a Personal Trainer or Nutritionist reviewing your strategy could knock weeks off the time it takes to get there!

Strategy is king – strategise well and you can make things much easier for yourself.

Your goals are only as good as your strategy to achieve them!

Following on from last Friday’s message, it is really important to consider what you are aiming for and everything that comes with that goal. Because when you decide on a goal it could mean doing things that are different from what you really want.

Could you imagine someone deciding they want to be wealthy? And maybe setting a goal to have a certain $ value of assets by a certain date? This, on the surface, could be an excellent goal. But what will this person need to do differently to achieve it? Will it mean spending less time with their family? Will it mean higher levels of stress and long hours in the office?

Or someone that wants to be fitter? That could mean big exercise sessions, diet changes and much less chocolate than that person probably feels like!

Because, the chances are that with every goal you set there will be less enjoyable things you need to do between now and then in order to obtain it. For if they were more enjoyable the chances are that you would already be doing them. Make sure that you carefully consider a goal before embarking on it, and more specifically everything that will come with that goal. Make sure that on balance it is definitely what you want and you will be setting yourself up for a smoother journey!

You get there fastest when you know where you are going!